Way down deep
Let me take you back…
This was the first poem I wrote at the beginning of my journey and represented the beginning of lots of things in many ways.
I had left a relationship that had made immense changes within my life and made me question all aspects of love.
It was my first step to unravelling the who, what, where, when, how, which and why of love.
Elements of the relationship changed me as a person.
I took on and became what I considered I had to be.
I was judged, twisted, manipulated and moulded and I felt so trapped within this.
I came out, screaming, when I did, but my confidence had been sapped and I didn’t really know who I was enough to backup my actions.
I had become someone I wasn’t, I was scattered into millions of pieces and I felt completely lost!
No matter which way I looked to find a piece of me I couldn’t find enough to make a difference to how I was feeling.
The turning point was life just kept bringing people into my life that showed me different parts of me.
One of the strangest was meeting my very first school teacher after 35 years and her recognising me by my mannerisms.
At the time I was gushing to her about the beauty of her home and this reminded her of me when I was 5 years old, so this I owned.
I am no longer afraid to express how I feel or what I think and if someone can’t accept it, tough on them!
The freedom of writing my journal daily and pouring my heart and soul into it has helped me to be able to express how I feel in a skilled way.
It tends to be that others don’t understand now, rather than me not understanding and those who don’t tend to be quite learned yet set for their own outcomes, for which I cannot change, neither do I try to.
This poem was the beginning of a symbolic detangling between me and the partner of the relationship and it was the first step of my healing.
I questioned the feelings I had developed whilst in that relationship and even in my words I can see future even though it was the end and the beginning.
As one door closes, another door opens is now very apparent to me, not as in the next relationship will come, but as in the door I’m opening is my healing ready to walk in the here and now and prepare for anything the future may bring.
Do we have a direction in life?
Do we all get to be a husband or wife?
Will we get the chance to procreate?
Is it about finding our perfect mate?
We may never find them
or things may go wrong.
Is this about finding out if we’re weak or strong?
Is weakness shown when we run away
or is it shown when we decide to stay?
When do we decide it’s not going to work
and let the other person decide to shirk?
Do we learn to accept
and let the other person be
the way that they are?
They can’t make you happy!
Through doing this,
you can learn you don’t suit.
How long till you realise
they don’t give a hoot?
You may see they can’t accept you
the way that you are,
even though the union has travelled quite far.
Is this the time to part
and take a different route
and make way for an internal dispute?
Why does your heart feel different
to what your head says
and your body cries out in many ways?
Is it the time to accept it
and learn to grieve
and be ready to look at the scar it will leave?
A scar that can deepen
as you open old wounds
and allow any future unions
to be destined for doom.
Should you buck your ideas up
or get a grip
or let your heart take over and feel the blip?
even lose control
while you search for the reasons within your soul?
Understand why things went wrong.
Adhere to the things that make you feel strong.
Know it takes two to make or break.
Realise that it’s about give and take.
You can do this,
but you will see
that you’ll soon be living back in reality.
Then it’s time to reflect and appreciate
and that although it served purpose
it wasn’t in your fate.
Find ways to walk your journey,
your way in life
accept that there’s good
as well as the strife.
It’s about learning to love the person that’s you
so you can then love anyone else passing through.
All levels of love different,
some loves untrue,
some fall by the wayside,
some stick like glue.
Each connection you make,
no matter the length,
will enable you to gain an inner strength.
So abandon your fears and really let go!
When things are right
it’s something you know.
There will be no reason
for you to doubt
and life, for you, will turn about.
It’ll turn you upside down,
not knock you for six
and it won’t feel like a heroin fix.
pure and true
even if times get hard
and you’ll hold them
in the highest regard.
Your journeys will meet
and you’ll travel a while
yet this won’t be counted in kilometre or mile.
Your time will be endless
no matter how long
and nothing about it
will ever feel wrong.
Thank you for reading 💖